About
My name is Lee-Anne Duncan, and when I was eight years old my mother told me she was going to die.
This is not how I usually introduce myself. The fact that my mother did indeed die, six days before Christmas in 1981 and five weeks after I turned nine, isn’t generally the first thing I share.
And it’s not something I thought about much over the years, to be honest. However, as I edged towards fifty, I started wondering how my mother’s sickness and death had affected me, really?
What about the other 5% or so of New Zealanders who, like me, lost at least one parent before they turned nineteen? How did their parents’ deaths affect them? What was done well? What could have been done better?
So I started collecting New Zealanders’ stories – some born here, others overseas – about their experiences of childhood parental bereavement, about their parents who died “too young”, about being bereaved “too young”.
I wanted people like me to read about other people like me – those who also had a parent die young. And I wanted adults around bereaved children today to glean an understanding of what it’s like to be a child whose parent has died, whose world has turned upside down.
This website hosts some of our stories – all written by me – and I will add to them. Another 30 to 40 will feature in my forthcoming book, Too Young. You can sign up to be notified when it’s available.
A quick language note – all spelling is British English, with some te reo Māori words with translations. Also, I’ve largely kept these stories in the voice of my interviewees, thus there may be some swearing, so bear that in mind...
Please read our stories. And please share what you learn. It could help, and might give hope.
Listen: If you would like to hear me talk about my Too Young project, here’s my interview on RNZ; my appearance on the Dying for a Cuppa podcast; and the podcast, We Need More of This with Scott Rado.
-
I have been a journalist and writer for thirty years at this point, working across radio, television, and magazines, here in New Zealand and in England.
I’m from Dunedin, New Zealand, although I’ve lived most of my adult life in Wellington. I have two children, a daughter and a son, who both remind me of my mother from time to time.
I love writing about people and I’ve always been a ‘news you can use’ person, always thinking, “How can I make this piece useful? What can I write that’s helpful?”
I’ve previously written a book about child abuse, based on the experiences of adults who were abused as children. I started thinking, maybe I can write something similar describing the experience of having a parent die as a child, this time drawing on personal experience?
I wondered: What helps children when that happens? What hinders them? And – how can we use our experiences so kids today whose parents die do even better than we have?
Now, I am not a psychologist so these stories are not a clinical how-to. However, I have used my own experience as a bereaved child and my ability to relate to people to capture and tell their stories of parental bereavement.
-
Our stories have four audiences:
Adults who were bereaved as children, to read about others like them and take some comfort in a shared experience.
Adults today guiding children through bereavement who seek to gain an understanding of what their children might be thinking and feeling, and some insight into how they might like to be supported.
Parents facing death who might take hope from our stories knowing that – with the right support – children can make it through into a productive and functional adulthood.
Teenagers and young adults who feel alone as, at that age, they know few others like them. Our stories show that we hear them and see them – as we were them, and we made it through.
-
When I first started collecting stories, I was aiming for just a book. I placed a call-out on social media and received leads on interviews, with lots of messages of support.
From there, contacts for interviews came in via word of mouth.
I conducted nearly all interviews face-to-face, travelling the country to do so. Each interviewee signed a consent form outlining that they would review and correct whatever I wrote, and could pull out at any time.
They could also use their own name, or choose another. Most have used their real names. If they chose not to, it was usually to protect family members.
No one was paid (least of all me), although I gave my interviewees a small koha, or thank you, which was often a loaf of homemade sourdough or flowers, or if they were super lucky, both!
By the time I’d collected forty stories, I realised I needed another outlet. Everyone had so much to say, all their stories were important, but I had too many for a book. Thus this website.
So, please read our stories.
The people in these stories, they’re amazing. They’re amazing in what they remember (with a note that these are their memories, their perspectives, so others may remember things differently).
And they’re amazing in what they’ve achieved despite – or perhaps even because of – what they faced too young.
For sure, none of us are the same people we would have been had we grown up with the love, support and guidance of both parents. But we made it through.
We hope readers gain comfort and/or insight from our stories to help them address whatever they faced, or are facing, to do with childhood parental death.
We hope they see that they, too, can make it through.
However, do take care of yourself while reading these as they may be upsetting for some. See the Resources page for places to access immediate help, and other ways to find supports.
I’m still searching for stories for the website and will regularly add pieces here. If you would like to share your story, please get in touch. I’d love to hear from you.
Ngā mihi nui, thank you so much.
Lee-Anne