Too young to die, too young to grieve

“My father clearly didn’t give a hoot about what would happen to us”

The writer Renée Taylor – known simply as Renée – endured a start in life as dramatic as one of her plays when her father inexplicably shot himself, leaving his wife and children homeless and penniless.

“Although people were kind, looking back I think there was a certain sense of isolation, or self-sufficiency, and just getting on with it”

Owen Marshall’s mother died when the boy, who was to become one of New Zealand’s most esteemed writers, was only two. He has a single fleeting memory of a woman who might – or might not – have been his mother, and it’s stayed with him through the eighty-plus years since.

“He just seemed impregnable. If there is an end that’s inevitable, be honest about it and discuss it.”

Michael Huddleston lives with a heart condition that’s possibly the same one that killed his father when Michael was only fifteen. Now a father of two, he’s determined to have more time with his own children than his dad did with him.

“It gets a lot easier to deal with emotionally, and there can be as much joy in what you had, as sadness in what’s been lost.”

James Bushell’s arts-loving dad died after a short illness when James was in his mid-teens. His mother gave him space and independence as they both grieved his father, something James believes preserved their still-close relationship.

“When I think of my mother, I don’t think of a loss… I had my dad”

Roberta Hope’s mother died when the girl was only five. Now in her fifties, Roberta has few memories of her mother. However, she was buoyed through her childhood by the love of her dad, and never felt she lacked for a mum.

“Telling the truth right at the beginning will save discomfort and distress down the line”

Melanie Kerr is a Dunedin-based celebrant who often finds herself officiating at the funerals and memorials of parents who have left behind young children. There’s always a place for the children in a funeral service, she says.

“Kids lose that perspective of their parent being able to make everything okay.”

Amie Richardson’s husband, Wayne Biggs, was diagnosed with aggressive lymphoma when their sons were only two and five years old. She quickly had to work out how to support her sons through his sickness, death, and beyond.

“I thought she’d died, but didn’t want to ask”

Jan Williams grew up with her father and her four sisters, and the acceptance her mother was dead. It wasn’t until she was a teenager she realised the story she’d lived with – or built up around herself – wasn’t the full story.

“The thing I miss the most is not having an adult relationship with my father”

Kate Walkers’ dad died suddenly when she was eleven. He’d gone to bed with a headache, then was taken to hospital during the night. He never came home.

“If my Papa had lived, I probably would have learned to fly an aeroplane!”

Kat Schwarz’s father died suddenly when he fell through a roof. Kat thinks of her Papa, and his love for aviation, whenever she sees a small plane in flight.

“Most people know their parents as people. We don’t. And we never will”

Jeff Duncan’s mother died from leukemia when he was ten. His story mirrors mine closely, which is not surprising as he’s my older brother… 

“It’s up to me to look after myself, there’s nothing coming my way”

Caitlin Cherry’s dad left New Zealand for Australia when she was six then died suddenly when she was nine. Growing up with little money and less support, Caitlin knew she had only herself to rely on.

“I don't remember crying for him, particularly. He was not much like a dad.”

Helen Goodwin’s dad died suddenly and unexpectedly, even though he’d been ill for some years. Helen felt conflicted about her father’s death, and psychologically stuck, until she discovered change was possible.